[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
You Might Also Like
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true