They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven