My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
You Might Also Like
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT