How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now