Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I WON A HAM TODAY
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.