“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it