Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
secret recipe
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too