“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
sigh
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”