Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams