99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.