smartest karate player in the world
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Jogging
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.