Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Stop it! 😂
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
These 3D printers are insane!
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.