therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I told my vodka about you.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
me and who
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.