Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline