[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
They’re the worst 😩
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
This is hilarious….
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.