My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes