You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨