Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My Guy
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever