My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I love wikipedia
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option