I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.