A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
You Might Also Like
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
😲 WTF? 😆
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD