[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
when there are deer in the woods
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked