[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM