Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.