Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You Might Also Like
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*watches the world burn*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.