Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Happy thanksgiving
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.