Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
No, I don’t think I will.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.