“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.