omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?