skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.