I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
what’s the point then??
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
i meant to share this earlier
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.