Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
there has never been a better use of this meme
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
what’s the point then??
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?