My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”