A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
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The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.