I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.