Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
You Might Also Like
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Monday?
No. Next question.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?