My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice