Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You Might Also Like
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
12653.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
2022: I can fix it
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Bruh PLEASE
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.