“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Speak now or ever hold your peace
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Carpe DM
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.