Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Happy Caturday!
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Strange
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.