To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
🤣
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
somebody come look at this
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES