Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
You Might Also Like
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
you stereotypes are all alike
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth