*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.