1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
A short story of betrayal:
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Battery falling down a hole
Dance like you’re not the father
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.