The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!