The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
New comic up. “Ransom”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
☠️☠️☠️
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur