My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.