I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
wut hotdog?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
greetings!
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy