Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Note to self: I am a note
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cannot stop laughing at this
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.