Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
You Might Also Like
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*orders delivery*
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
And bowling should be called pinball
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list